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not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves
has. Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emo-
80 S T E P E I G H T
tional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness. At
the time of these occurrences, they may actually have given
our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our
personalities and altered our lives for the worse.
While the purpose of making restitution to others is
paramount, it is equally necessary that we extricate from an
examination of our personal relations every bit of informa-
tion about ourselves and our fundamental difficulties that
we can. Since defective relations with other human beings
have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes,
including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could
yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one.
Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can
deepen our insight. We can go far beyond those things
which were superficially wrong with us, to see those flaws
which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible
for the whole pattern of our lives. Thoroughness, we have
found, will pay and pay handsomely.
We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we
say that we have  harmed other people. What kinds of
 harm do people do one another, anyway? To define the
word  harm in a practical way, we might call it the result
of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emo-
tional, or spiritual damage to people. If our tempers are
consistently bad, we arouse anger in others. If we lie or
cheat, we deprive others not only of their worldly goods,
but of their emotional security and peace of mind. We real-
ly issue them an invitation to become contemptuous and
vengeful. If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jeal-
ousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind.
S T E P E I G H T 81
Such gross misbehavior is not by any means a full cata-
logue of the harms we do. Let us think of some of the
subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging.
Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly,
irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable,
critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish atten-
tion upon one member of the family and neglect the others.
What happens when we try to dominate the whole family,
either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of
minute directions for just how their lives should be lived
from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in de-
pression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that
upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others
the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alco-
holics difficult and often unbearable could be extended
almost indefinitely. When we take such personality traits as
these into shop, office, and the society of our fellows, they
can do damage almost as extensive as that we have caused
at home.
Having carefully surveyed this whole area of human re-
lations, and having decided exactly what personality traits
in us injured and disturbed others, we can now commence
to ransack memory for the people to whom we have given
offense. To put a finger on the nearby and most deeply
damaged ones shouldn't be hard to do. Then, as year by
year we walk back through our lives as far as memory will
reach, we shall be bound to construct a long list of people
who have, to some extent or other, been affected. We
should, of course, ponder and weigh each instance careful-
ly. We shall want to hold ourselves to the course of
82 S T E P E I G H T
admitting the things we have done, meanwhile forgiving
the wrongs done us, real or fancied. We should avoid ex-
treme judgments, both of ourselves and of others involved.
We must not exaggerate our defects or theirs. A quiet, ob-
jective view will be our steadfast aim.
Whenever our pencil falters, we can fortify and cheer
ourselves by remembering what A.A. experience in this
Step has meant to others. It is the beginning of the end of
isolation from our fellows and from God.
Step Nine
 Made direct amends to such people wher-
ever possible, except when to do so would
injure them or others.
GOOD judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and
prudence these are the qualities we shall need when we
take Step Nine.
After we have made the list of people we have harmed,
have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried
to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to pro-
ceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides
those we should approach into several classes. There will
be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we be-
come reasonably confident that we can maintain our
sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only
partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or oth-
ers more harm than good. There will be other cases where [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]