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knowledge a secret. David would have to know.
 Carl, you bastard, Ben whispered. He d taken from David the chance to come
forward himself. He d taken from Ben the chance to create a place safe enough for
David to confide on his own.
* * * * *
David hurried back to Ben s place, anxious lest that son of a bitch had hassled Ben.
As he emerged from the subway station, he called Ben to let him know he was on his
way.  Is everything okay? he asked when Ben picked up.  Did that asshole bother
you?
 No, I haven t heard a word from him. Hurry home though. I need to see you.
David flipped the phone shut, a warm feeling easing through him. Ben needed him!
He hurried down the block, eager to take Ben into his arms. He raced up the stairs and
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knocked lightly at the door before unlocking it.  It s me, he called so Ben wouldn t
worry. Ben was on the other side, removing the chain to welcome him in. David held
out his arms to embrace him.
Rather stiffly, it seemed to David, Ben stepped into them. Lightly he touched
David s lips with his before stepping back.  David. Carl left something here. I think that
was his purpose in coming.
 He did? What did he leave? David suddenly recalled the folder he d seen in
Carl s hand when he d entered. In the heat of his rage, he d forgotten all about it. Ben
retrieved the folder from the coffee table and took a page from it, holding it out to
David.
As David read, he felt his head grow light, as if all the blood were draining away.
 Oh my god, he whispered.  James&  He barely noticed as Ben guided him to the
couch and pressed him gently to sit. Suddenly he was there, in the dark, in the rain,
nauseated, terrified, confused& He continued to stare at the page as if there were more
to read, something to uncover he hadn t seen before. The paper was fluttering oddly in
his grip and he realized his hand was trembling. He pressed his hands between his
knees, crunching the wretched piece of paper as he did so.
 David. Look at me. It s okay. It s time to talk about it. You don t have to hide
anymore. It s okay.
Slowly David looked over at Ben, for a moment barely recognizing him. He stared
into his kind eyes and some of the darkness clouding his mind lifted.  Ben, he said
softly.  I wanted to tell you.
 I know. I do. Maybe this was the best way. Maybe Carl did us a favor. Talk to me,
David. Help me understand. The few sentences on that page don t begin to tell the real
story. Tell me what really happened.
 He leaves me no choice. That bastard has dictated when and how I tell you.
 Wrong. You do have a choice. You can decide not to tell me, to keep it held in and
buried in a twisted, dark place in your head, or you can decide to trust me. You said
you loved me. Where does trust fit in? We re only as sick as our secrets, David, and I
don t want there to be any between us.
David leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. He dropped his head into his
hands, his mind churning. Finally he looked up.  You re right. I do have a choice. I
want to tell you. You know the facts anyway from that article. I ll try to explain.
He paused, staring into space, trying to decide how to confess the sins of so long
ago in a way that wouldn t alienate Ben. Nearly a minute passed as he tried to
formulate his thoughts. Ben waited patiently. Gently he reached out and took David s
hand. David began to speak, aware there was no way to clean this up. He would simply
tell the truth.
 It was the first time I d been away from home. The first time I d dared to be
somewhat open about my sexual orientation. There was a gay-lesbian political action
group on campus and I joined it, mostly to meet guys. For the first time in my life I was
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Claire Thompson
free to explore with other men. To actually be with another man instead of just
fantasizing about them while masturbating.
 There was one guy in particular. James Clarkson. Ah, James&  He hadn t said his
name in so long, had barely even thought it. They d come together in a fire of passion.
James was older by two years, a junior and well acquainted with the ways of the world,
or so it seemed to the young David.  He was something, was James, David recalled,
seeing the redheaded handsome boy in his mind s eye.  He was the kind of person
everyone s eye turned to when he entered a room. He had this sort of charisma that
drew people in, even people who didn t know him at all. He was so enthusiastic about
whatever his latest cause was, and there was always a latest cause for James. He would
energize the people around him, getting them to volunteer for things they might have
had no interest in otherwise. He was always putting together benefits, raising social
awareness, getting involved.
 He had this way of making a person feel special. When he spoke, you felt as if he
were speaking directly you, even if he were addressing a crowd. He had a way of
making eye contact, of tilting his head just so, as if to say,  you and I understand in a
way no one else can . It made you feel connected, superior to those around you, eager to
do whatever he might ask.
David glanced at Ben, who was listening with a quiet attentiveness. He gave a small
nod but didn t interrupt. David looked straight ahead again, sitting back slightly.  Well,
needless to say, I fell head over heels for him. I had to get in line every guy in the
group had a crush on him and half the girls as well. He gave a small laugh.  I was a [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]